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Archive for the ‘silence speaks’ Category


She hides her pain beneath the smiles

But her eyes show  a different world

thinking of the ‘might have been, the ‘what if’,

the little things that makes life the way she dreamed of.

Life is not perfect, life may be full of angst.

She stays…waiting.

Someday maybe, she’ll show that genuine smile again

The blessings and lovely memories will overcome

the pain in her eyes.

 

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I found my old tattered journal from wayback. The spine  has detached itself from the pages that were yellowed with age. Has it been 38 years ago? Yes,it was and  this was the younger me.

Dear Mayblue

It hurts really, this empty feeling within me. I like to be strong again just like old  times when I used to laugh my worries away, just like those days when I could wear a smile amidst problems. Oh, whats the use of recounting those things.

I used to be part of the audience, passive and all that but how I came to be the actress myself, I never know. All I am sure of is that, now, there is no turning back, no matter what reality has  in store for me, no matter how it hurts. I must go on. Can’t you see Mayblue, I am trying to be brave.

Some people think what a fine actress I am.  Others perhaps look down with disdain. The only thing that consoles me is the fact that every one of us in this cruel  world  is a thespian, the only difference is that are cast in different roles. Some play the lead role,  some are afraid to plunge their hands in the deep water lest they be drowned. I was one of the latter until I found myself playing the big part of the game.

I was sure of myself then. Call it the magic  of love reigning over me. I looked at life with rose-colored eye glasses with misty mornings and sun-bright days. I was way up and I felt great. See what love can bring Mayblue?

But when you have loved deeply and have been hurt so bad, you see things  in a different perspective, in a different light. I found myself running away from my own ghost, even to the point of  pitying myself sometimes. One thing I can assure you is that, I  never regretted what has been, after all, love was such a beautiful experience.

Don’t be deceived by what you see. Despite that calm facade, that undisturbed countenance, look closely and you’ll see a girl crying inside.

P.S.

I wish you were here. I  want to have a good cry.

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Though darkness brings shadows of the past
Glorious light illuminates and paves the way
To a beautiful tomorrow.
There is a message of hope
And love shines through.

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You might think I am obsessed :-)  I have been  collecting key rings since I started working. Lately, more were added, gifts from friends and relatives who know my penchant for collecting. I love to have my own library  ( still dreaming of it), and I mean not just corner shelves in our house but a cozy room that  I could use for my books and to display my  collection.

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One of my nieces went to Korea last year and she gave me this set of key ring/ballpen. I love the one which came from Dubai, it’s gold plated with beads.

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Another one from Dubai, a gift from a friend last year.

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A niece who is a teacher gave me two key rings from her trip to Romania  last year. She went on another trip to Jordan and Israel to spend Christmas there and she bought me these two key rings – one from Jordan and  one from Israel.  This last photo has a stone and Holy Water inside. She told me that from now on, she would buy me key rings on her future trips to other countries.

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I jokingly told her to go to Europe  next so she could bring me something  from there…hahaha.

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It looks like I have a lot of catching up to do, not only to get updated with what some of my online friends have posted but I think it is also time to update my blog. I haven’t posted anything since the start of December but thank you just the same for those visits. I noticed that some even read my earlier posts years ago.

I recently read a comment posted by one of my readers. He was searching for the name of his father’s urologist and found my earlier blog post on the latter. He was glad  and inspired that the same doctor did  my kidney bypass five years ago. You know that feeling of confidence that you have because of some people’s affirmation that he is good  and his patients have faith in him. Years ago,  I was also surprised when this same urologist learned that my surgical oncologist in another hospital was his mentor when he was in college.  You’d think they are coincidences but deep within you know that the connection maybe ways in which it makes you feel that you’re not alone. There are people who are traveling the same road with you and traversing life’s journeys the same way that you do.

Some people may find it uncomfortable reading about illness, believe me though, when you are the one in that predicament, you’d rather share your woes and fears even if no one empathize, even if some people don’t really understand how you feel. Reaching out, trying to accept everything  the best way you know how. Maybe that’s the reason why my older posts about being a cancer survivor still make it the most read entries in my blog.  I am still of the belief that if I could reach someone out there who needs a bit of inspiration, my efforts of maintaining this blog is not in vain.

These are actually busy days for me,  trimming our carabao grass, changing curtains for the Christmas season, hanging Christmas decor here and there, planning on what recipes to prepare for our noche buena, wrapping gifts and catching  up on my reading when I can. Having an unreliable (and moody)  PC does not help though and boy, the slow internet connection is such that I rather read than visit my blogs. I finally found a lovely book on the life of my favorite saint, Padre Pio and discovered new authors too.

Here’s something for  you to ponder on.

“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” – Charles Dickens

 

 

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Gosh, where have I been the past few days?

I don’t want to whine since it is the beginning of the Christmas season but apart from the endless shocking news in our part of the world, our internet connection has become oh so slow, slower than an aging turtle on the move. I could not even see those photos attached to several blogs that I follow and to think that is not enough, my old PC is acting up again.I am grateful though that I haven’t lost all those people who visit my blog. I have now reached a total of 375,260 hits as of this writing. I know, for some bloggers, this would not matter much but it’s okay, at least I know that even if most of them are not my followers, they visit my blog and read what I write. For a blogger, that means you’re not alone in cyberspace ranting or sharing your dreams. I treasure so many online friends here who also share their thoughts with me, they are the reason why this blog still exists.

Life has become such that a day won’t be complete without visiting at least one social media or reading news online.  It makes me a little sad that for some people, texting is more acceptable than actual conversation and updating your wall on Facebook about the daily happenings in your life is more the “in” thing to do than calling or conversing with your loved ones. I know, I know, you would say, it can’t be helped because getting in touch  with them through this medium is faster and easier too. We are enslaved by time and that’s a fact. We worry that a day won’t be enough to do all the things we want to do. I know, sometimes I am guilty of this.

Josef and I usually linger at the dining table updating each other about anything under the sun. We talk about politics and he keeps asking me why I don’t blog about it.  I told him I might not be able to control myself and say things I’ll regret later. We talk about sports, basketball especially since we are both excited for the championship win between our alma mater, University of  Santo Tomas and Far Eastern University. We talk about his training at JP Morgan Chase and how different it is from his previous work. Oh yes, we talk about Christmas past and how we will celebrate it this year. With Nate around, it would surely be a blast no matter how simple it is.

I welcome December with so much anticipation and hope for better days ahead. My little sparrows are back, greeting me each morning with their lovely songs. What more could I ask for?

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5am. I woke up to a gentle breeze blowing from my window.  It is so uplifting to feel the wind on your face, no longer threatening, no longer gusty. I am praying for those who were deeply affected by typhoon  Lando – flooded areas, submerged homes and it will take a long time before you can forget something this devastating.  The aftermath is more damaging, it’s like starting all over again but with deep faith, life has to go on. This gives life’s meaning, battling the storms in one’s life and emerging cleansed and victorious. I am reminded of a few lines from a lovely song, walking through the storm and holding your head up high.

♫♫♪When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don’t be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
There’s a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark♪♪♫♪

You’ll never walk alone.

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