On Grieving

Grief doesn’t end at the loss of the person you love. It grips you like a tight knot, the more you remember those days of old – the laughter and the tears.

At Maxine by the Sea with sis-in-law, niece and my brother Alden. Taken three years ago before we discovered he had cancer.

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I Lost A Brother And A Friend

He suffered for three years when doctors found out there was cyst in his liver. He opted to have alternative cure and it gave him more three years to live.

A few hospital confinements later and several blood transfusions, the result of his colonoscopy was bad. Malignant cysts have reached his other organs and he became so thin in the process. It was a downward journey towards the end.

He was just 61 years old when he left us two weeks ago. He could have accomplished more if he were still alive today. And I could no longer visit our provincial home without remembering him.

We are three siblings left now, my two brothers and I. One is gone forever but I believe he is at peace now with the Lord.

It is hard to lose a friend but even harder to lose a brother.

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Missing You Still

It is a long road

With you at the other end

And me a long drive away.

I could barely hear your voice

Telling me in a whisper to come home

Nissa and I did.

We were able to talk to you

And you kept saying,

“Pagod na pagod na ako, gusto ko ng mamahinga ate“.

I know, it was very, very hard for you even to just speak

I told you to let God and let go

His will be done.

Nissa and I were on our way back home inside a Victory Liner bus at NLEX when I learned of your passing on.

I have to bring mommy home to see you…for the last time.

It is still hard for me that the only thing I see is your picture

It is still quite hard for me to see that all your architectural drawings are still intact

I had my share of seeing all your collections of Architectural Digest and home magazines.

I cry reading tributes to you from friends and relatives

I can’t stop my tears flowing seeing the best legacy you left behind to the people of our town – the Mabini Town Hall

It’s a legacy that would survive through the years way beyond our lifetimes.

I see you in every corner of this small house you left behind

And I remember, I remember our conversations a long time ago

You made me laugh with your stories sharing the hardships and the joys of living

You made me smile remembering our childhood years – the days in between.

You were too young to die

And I miss you still.

Written on 24 May 2022

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Dad And Mama Julian

Last week I received this sad news that our neighbor and friend in Kamuning before passed on. The family live in Australia. Mama Julian was 98.

I remember those days with fondness when we were living in the same place and the same compound. Almost every night, Mama Julian would bring his ukulele to our place and dad his guitar. They would play music together and I would just listen. They could pick chords of several songs without even looking at anything. During lazy days, the four of them – my mom, Nana Mina, Mama Julian and Dad would play cards called Entre Siete in our place. Mama Julian and dad would partner together and they had this what they call dentoy, movement of their heads, sway of their hands and other such nuances which they do together to let each other know what cards he had. Nana Mina and mom could not defeat them. Mama Julian was the godfather of my youngest brother.

His youngest daughter told me this: Arlene, I felt warmed when I hear these very precious moments in the life of your dad and mine. I remember these too.

She said further that truth be told, your Dad was the only true and loyal friend to tatay. He’ll have his memorial service on Sunday via Zoom and that happens to be Dad’s 100th birthday.

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On Death And Dying

I don’t know what is happening. Everyday on my newsfeed on Facebook, I see death all around. Today, it was the former secretary of DSWD (Department of Social Wefare and Development). The other day, a professor from UST died, a few days ago, a student and a nurse died too. I wonder if all of these were caused by Covid because sometimes, the news does not mention it.

I was listening to Fr. Aly’s homily this morning. He told the parishioners about the importance of these Covid vaccines. Not everyone is sure that the pandemic won’t catch up even if we are fully jabbed. I remember my exchange of thoughts with my friend from Canada who told me the news of Fr.Eli’s death a week ago. She said that if the former was vaccinated, it could have triggered his death. He was operated on a few years ago and had a pacemaker. Then she sent those articles that vaccines are not safe. I got confused so I asked if she and her husband were vaccinated. She said at the end of our conversation that it is not polite to ask that question. She told me it is a private choice. More confused.

Going back to Fr. Aly’s homily, he said that one doesn’t know if she/he would be affected. A strong immunity is very important. I agree. Mostly, those hospitalized haven’t been vaccinated yet. There are people who are found positive of Covid even if they are fully vaccinated. Where do we go from here? How long will we have to endure before this pandemic is out of our lives for good?

Morbid you say? I guess it’s not.

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Crazy Saturday

My head is full at the moment thinking of events in our lives.

Getting lost here. I thought today is Friday. Had to take a look twice at my cellphone….crazy.

My head is full at the moment thinking of events happening in our lives. Sad to say, my mom’s older sister died the other day. She was 99. My brothers and I are in a quandary whether to tell mom or not. She might not be able to understand that Covid is preventing us to go there because we are on a lockdown. 65 up are not allowed to go out. Mom’s sense of hearing is practically nil. My eldest brother suggested that we just tell her after the burial.

We could not even visit Alden. My aunt and Alden’s family are in the same barangay in our province.

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And February Is About To End

Let me see, I wrote a short post three days ago and some things happened since then.

I lost a first cousin three days ago due to a lingering illness. Thank God it was not Covid. Since I could not go home to our province, I just have to write a few words for my grandnieces/grandsons/wife as a way of paying tribute and respect.

Nissa told me earlier today that one of her officemates died of Covid recently. She was just 41 years old. She took a sick leave last week because of fever. This traitor pandemic is like a thief in the night. Although Nissa’s department has no personal contact with her, I told her that they should all take necessary precautions.

The Philippines sad to say has no vaccines yet. This government is inutile when it comes to the welfare of the people. Why are they demonstrating simulations when they still don’t have vaccines? They ordered from china but the people don’t want it. They are relying on the poor population to accept it. Grrrr….😷🤒🤕

Some of duterte’s men in Malacanang have already been vaccinated as early as September last year. On the other side though, I am not so enthusiastic about being vaccinated, this is just on the experimental stage. It would probably take years before it is safe enough and that it could help in preventing Covid 19. A Filipino overseas worker had his vaccination in Saudi Arabia but when he came home for vacation in the Philippines, he was found positive of the virus.

Four more days and February will be gone. Before you know it, summer is here.

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Blessed Sunday To All

Watched the live streaming of the Sunday mass at the Manila Cathedral at 8am today. Another inspiring homily delivered by Fr. Regie.  I get by trying to get in touch with my brothers, some relatives and friends through the internet. This is the time when having a wi-fi at home is a blessed bonus.

I  want to share this prayer for all of you out there.

Lord, you are the greatest Healer of all

Please protect our land from the disastrous effect of this pandemic.

Cover us with Your Holy Mantle and embrace us in Your loving arms.

Also praying for the repose of the souls of Nissa’s father-in-law who died three days ago and is still at the morgue of the funeral parlor ( waiting for scheduled cremation on the 29th) and for my friend’s father who died the other day when he hit his head at the pavement near our gate  and probably had blood clot in his brain.  May  You receive them in Your Kingdom to live with you forever. Amen.

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It’s My Dad’s 12th Death Anniversary

Every year, during his birthday and death anniversary, I would always write about him. Those things that I still vividly remember in my mind. I couldn’t count the anecdotes and stories we have shared in the past. When I stopped working at the bank, Dad and Mom stayed with me. Almost every afternoon and sometimes when I am trimming the grass, he would sit on the ledge of our garage and regale me with those stories of long ago.

I remember, I first learned to read novels and books through him. He would borrow books from their library at the UST High school and allow me to read when I was no longer busy with school assignments. I graduated from those Mills and Boons stories back in high school and learned more reading genre when I started working as a student librarian while studying at the same time.

When we were in grade school, my  brothers and I stayed in the province with my grandmother most of the time when mom won’t be around to take care of us. When my two brothers and I started high school, they transferred my youngest brother here in Manila to continue with her grade schooling.  I remember those days when dad would come home every December break from school and he would bring along various groceries and old clothes (of students) from their school. Mom would distribute the latter to our neighbors  and sometimes  would even make alterations on the good ones for us to wear. I remember those days when Dad would make us sit and remove white hairs from his head. We would count them afterwards and Dad would give us some cents for candies…haha! I remember those days when he would harvest our Formosa pineapples  and cashews from the trees we planted together when I was a kid.  He loved fruits. He planted several coconut saplings when he retired from work, they are all bearing fruits now.

This is one of my favorite pictures of him which I have posted too several years ago. He was in his early eighties when this photo was taken.

I want to share these lovely quotes with you on fatherhood.

“I suddenly remember being very little and being embraced by my father. I would try to put my arms around my father’s waist, hug him back. I could never reach the whole way around the equator of his body; he was that much larger than life. Then one day, I could do it. I held him, instead of him holding me, and all I wanted at that moment was to have it back the other way.”
― Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts

“My father didn’t tell me how to live;
he lived, and let me watch him do it”
― Clarence B. Kelland

“A father’s tears and fears are unseen, his love is unexpressed, but his care and protection remains as a pillar of strength throughout our lives.”
― Ama H.Vanniarachchy

 

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On Death And Dying

And here I thought I would be able to maintain blogging every day this September but it’s not to be. I missed writing  posts for two days.

I went to the  wake of our neighbor who had heart attack. I almost got lost finding where the Loyola Memorial Chapels was. Wrong  info/direction from  his daughter.  Anyway, I reached the place correctly when I inquired from the church workers at St. John the Baptist Parish Church in Taytay, Rizal.  The place was clean, so wide and away from traffic.

It was an unpleasant surprise finding your neighbor who is dead at the age of 77. He was too young to die. And speaking of dying, there is always that unspoken  grief that you feel when a loved one dies. One cannot quantify the loneliness you feel that you wouldn’t be able to see your loved one again except in memories.  Good memories are kept in your heart. The photo album may not suffice, spoken words of sympathy may not be enough but we go on with life in the long run. The pain maybe lessened  but it would always be there.

There are stages of grief that we have to go though.  First there is shock and denial. We could not readily accept that it happened. Then comes the pain and guilt. You wish you could have told them often how  much you love them. You wish you could have talked  to them about their problems  The anger at what happened comes next then depression or loneliness and these depends how strong you are to face such.  Acceptance follows after a while. But some of us do not always experience these stages. We go through life like our right arm is gone. We go through the days remembering, always remembering the good times.

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” 

I remember that line when I read Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom. It was one of the best books I’ve ever come across. Emotional but inspirational as well.  And “once you learn how to die, you’ll learn how to live”. 

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