Have you ever experienced being alone in a crowd? Have your loneliness got the better of you and you felt crying?
When we were in the province more than a month ago, I saw so many relatives and friends that I’ve never seen for years. I felt elated for a while talking to them, sharing about life and death and dying. Many of my cousins volunteered to cook every day and prepare snacks (until Alden’s funeral) for our guests who attended the 6-day wake.
I would look at his coffin and I would cry silent tears of goodbye. How hard is it to let go? How hard could it be losing a sibling who is very supportive of your own family?
I think of people leaving this earthly life, is dying like falling asleep but you never wake up? I remember my sis-in-law’s story when Alden died. She was at his bedside. According to her, he smiled and said, “panalo na”. Panalo na means we won or I won. I really don’t know what that means except maybe to tell the world that he was finally free from pain. He won over the three difficult years of his illness.
I lost interest in politics when Alden died. It seemed like there was a vacuum, some unfufilled yearning that I can’t define. This sense of loss brought me again to the question, “what is happening to the world?” They elected an unworthy man, a crook, a thief and a liar instead of a proven and reliable incumbent vice-president. They don’t want someone who is fit and experienced when it comes to people they promised to serve. Until now, there is still a question of election fraud, that those electronically transmitted results were padded. Imagine having transmitted more than 50% votes in two hours. They say we have the worst internet connection but the fastest transmission of the election results.
One time, my sis-in-law, niece and I were outside just letting the hot afternoon go by, watching Mae’s cats and their pregnant dog. I told Mae that she accompanies me to the sari-sari store nearby to buy something to munch on. “No need tita”, she said. She brought out a big box full of different biscuits and let me choose what to nibble on.
My other cousin twice brought mangoes from their tree during our novena prayers. Another cousin prepared pansit and soup alternately for our afternoon snacks during the novena. Two more cousins alternately lead the rosary prayers. You see it is the small things that count.
Feeling alone again and reliving the happy days.
Dreams And Escapes 