I found my old tattered journal from wayback. The spine has detached itself from the pages that were yellowed with age. Has it been 38 years ago? Yes,it was and this was the younger me.
It hurts really, this empty feeling within me. I like to be strong again just like old times when I used to laugh my worries away, just like those days when I could wear a smile amidst problems. Oh, whats the use of recounting those things.
I used to be part of the audience, passive and all that but how I came to be the actress myself, I never know. All I am sure of is that, now, there is no turning back, no matter what reality has in store for me, no matter how it hurts. I must go on. Can’t you see Mayblue, I am trying to be brave.
Some people think what a fine actress I am. Others perhaps look down with disdain. The only thing that consoles me is the fact that every one of us in this cruel world is a thespian, the only difference is that are cast in different roles. Some play the lead role, some are afraid to plunge their hands in the deep water lest they be drowned. I was one of the latter until I found myself playing the big part of the game.
I was sure of myself then. Call it the magic of love reigning over me. I looked at life with rose-colored eye glasses with misty mornings and sun-bright days. I was way up and I felt great. See what love can bring Mayblue?
But when you have loved deeply and have been hurt so bad, you see things in a different perspective, in a different light. I found myself running away from my own ghost, even to the point of pitying myself sometimes. One thing I can assure you is that, I never regretted what has been, after all, love was such a beautiful experience.
Don’t be deceived by what you see. Despite that calm facade, that undisturbed countenance, look closely and you’ll see a girl crying inside.
I wish you were here. I want to have a good cry.