Spent the early part of the day going to the wake of a friend’s dad. He died at the age of 87 last Tuesday. When someone leaves us in this world, we talk of the happy memories, the good times that we remember of our deceased relative. We always talk of the times that we remember the most in our hearts, we talk of the caring ways, the love and care, the gentle touch of a loving dad to his kids and the great love he showed our own mother.
I remembered Dad vividly in my mind while I was praying for Paul’s father. Letting go is not that easy. We always think we are prepared for any eventualities that may happen but when it is a close member of our family, we cannot just ignore the deep pain we feel, the sense of loss we experience. Even if we say that we have accepted everything even before we lose a loved one, there is that tight knot of pain that surrounds our hearts. Tere, another common friend who was with me at the wake intently listened to us exchange thoughts and ideas about death. I told Paul that he could still laugh, joke around with us because he can still see his father right in front but after the burial when everyone has left and it’s only the family facing each other, you feel empty, there is that deep void that no one can fill. Your thoughts would slowly unlock all the lovely things you hold dear when your father was still alive. Acceptance is one thing but what is important is allowing yourself to grieve so you would heal the pain of emptiness within.
Saying goodbye is not without its tears. You experience all kinds of difficult emotions that sometimes you think the sadness would never let up. They say that there is really no wrong or right way to grieve. It may take a year or two or you feel the loss the rest of your life. We are not only talking about death here but of other circumstances when our emotions are deeply affected. And then we ask ourselves, “is there a normal timetable for grief?” I don’t think so because it is a personal thing. Some of us may cope well because we make ourselves busy, it lightens the burden when we share it with close relatives and friends. Ignoring what you feel would just make you miserable. Real healing takes place when we face our fears. It’s normal to cry, but it does not mean that you don’t feel the loss when you don’t.
Time heals. It is a slow dance of remembrance and unlocking of precious memories you hold in your heart. Then you will smile at the thought that you have those precious memories to keep you warm.
Thoughts and prayers with you.
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That’s true. I’ve not lost YET ( heaven forbid) someone really close to me, the person I’ve been close with ( parents, siblings ), although I had lost my grandma. But I wasn’t close to her either because I was just 6 or so when I last saw her, so I didn’t have memories of her. The only person really close to me was a cousin who lived with us for 3 years , here in the US. He was from the Philippines who came here to study , then came back to the Philippines after finishing college here in the US. 2 years after, he died of undetected heart disease. he was only 25 years old. we were very close, was like a brother to me, who always called me Miss Universe. It was a great shock to me when he died. I cried for goodness how long every time I remembered him. To this day, I still feel an ache in my heart every time I remember him and his ever cheerful personality. * now I’m getting teary -eyed again*
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grief awakens us to one of life’s deeper realities, the great silence and stillness…but it can also be a vehicle for transformation…i love this short poem by one of my favourite ancient Japanese poets, Izumi Shikibu:
Why did you vanish
into empty sky?
Even the fragile snow,
when it falls,
falls in this world.
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Thank you for this heartfelt post. I could so much relate. I haven’t lost anyone yet but I know it’ll happen someday. From time to time, the thought comes to my mind. Reading your words brought that sick feeling in my tummy but comfort to my heart too.
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Thank you Arlene. I could still laugh because I know he is alive in God’s Kingdom. I do miss him, but with loving families and friends surrounding us, I know that Dad’s presence will linger forever in our hearts and with that, I feel good…..
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When we lose someone due to a lingering illness, we are bound to grieve even before the person has left us. Death becomes a savior for the deceased to end the suffering and for the survivors, it is the end of seeing your loved one in pain. Death in anyway is hard to take but if there is so much pain associated to it, we learn to let go.
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That was beautifully said. Its been nearly 40 years since my dad and brother died, and over 30 since mom died and only 1 yr since my husband died suddenly and it seems like yesterday for all of them. I still grieve but I have learned to learn with the grief and with the hope that we all be reunited once again. It is true what my mother said when my father passed away, it is like a piece of your heart has been torn away – it is a wound that will never truly heal but one I am learning to live with by keeping the special memories close to my heart.
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Thank you all for your lovely and equally touching comments. I guess we never really want to forget or let go completely because the ones we have lost stay in our hearts forever.
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